Hobbits In Rivendell

Periodically, I find something so truly cringe-worthy that it’s funny. Here is a screed from one of my favorite Sarcastic Chefs, Anthony Bourdain. I used to really dislike Anthony Bourdain. I thought, How can that guy even taste anything as much as he smokes? Who is he to set himself up as a foodie?!

Well, the trick is, he’s not a foodie, he’s a guy that … eats. And reads. And speaks. And thus, has every right to his opinionated, wide-mouthed, long-legged, slouching toward sarcastic-land self. Yes, okay! He kind of grows on you. Like moss. Or mold. Anyway, he guest-blogged awhile back at the site of food writer Michael Ruhlman, and went OFF on the Food Network. Hilarious results, one of which was:

Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can’t cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So…what is she selling us? Really? She’s selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She’s a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that “Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!” Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, “Hell…I could do that. I ain’t gonna…but I could–if I wanted! Now where’s my damn jug a Diet Pepsi?” Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better–teach us–and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. “You’re doing just fine. You don’t even have to chop an onion–you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing…Just sit there. Have another Triscuit…Sleep….sleep….”

Another person who believes in St. Julia!!! Bourdain’s blogging garnered almost 600 comments, one of which was a snarky reply from the Food Network itself. Read at your own risk!!!

Actually, I was just thinking about that… do other nations have FoodTV? Okay, I’ve heard there’s one with the BBC, and surely the French or Italians have some shrine to all that is organ meats and unpronounceable. But are ANY of those channels round-the-clock? Surely someone else has a channel dedicated to 24-hour food programming? No? Just the country with the heaviest people…? The points made about mediocrity and trying for the lowest common denominator really resonate with me – why go to Farmer’s Market when you can buy something in a can? Why shop for fresh veg in the market, even, when you can buy it prefab? This, dear ones, is from whence the whole spinach-equals-salmonella thing comes… when we find ourselves too busy to even wash and cut our own vegetables.

When your CSA gives you carrots… and carrots… and carrots… You become creative really fast. Having less than half a kitchen has meant that we’ve needed to rely on our crock pot and single electric burner on the really bad days when the stove was unplugged in the middle of the floor. In trying desperately to keep up with the flood of cold weather foods, we’ve started just cooking the carrots, pureéing them, and using them as soup base. This is a fabulous example of one of our favorite soups:

Carrot Ginger Soup with Coconut Milk
i n g r e d i e n t s

• 3/4 cup scallion (green onion) chopped fine
• 1 small onion, cut in 4 pieces
• 1 1/2 pounds carrots cut in 1″ pieces
• 1 tablespoon fresh ginger root, peeled, grated (or used dried, if you have it)
• 2 teaspoon curry powder (or to taste)
• 1 14-ounce can lower salt/fat vegetable broth
• 1 13.5-ounce can unsweetened coconut milk + extra for garnish
• 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice (approximate 1/2 small lime – lemon works too)
• fresh chives for garnish (or use French’s dehydrated onions, or fried scallions)

d i r e c t i o n s
Place scallions, onion pieces and carrots in a food processor. Process turning on and off rapidly until the vegetables are coarse chopped. If you’re starting this in the morning, this step can be simplified by doing a rough chop of the veg and shoving them in the crock pot for about two hours.)

Combine chopped vegetables, grated ginger root, curry powder and chicken broth in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil and simmer for about 20 minutues until the vegetables are very soft.

Strain vegetables and reserve the liquid. Add vegetables to food processor in two batches and process until smooth. (If you trust the seal on your food processor, you can do this with the liquid still warm – for the rest of us, wait until things cool a bit, or use a stick blender in the pot as the safest method for not splattering yourself with hot carrot mush.)

This is basically the base of your soup… from the carrot base, you can go a variety of directions. We add a half can of coconut milk and about a package (14 oz.) medium firm tofu in chunks and simmer it. I also take about a quarter tsp. of coriander pods, heat them in a dry saucepan to revive their oils, and then mortar and pestle grind them and add them while the soup simmers. Tropical soups tend to be both sweet, sour and creamy, so I also add about four tablespoons of mae ploy sauce, to give it both heat and sweet, and I have been known to add Thai lime leaves, mushrooms, and more. My friend Rachel adds chickpeas.

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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.

More for today’s avoidance of work (by posting recipes), here’s one which everyone should try, because it’s so easy and so good. The exotic ingredient in this recipe is “coconut cream” or “coconut powder” which can be obtained at your local Asian market. If you can’t find it, you can simply go with powdered sugar, but … well, coconut cream doesn’t add any sweetness to the mix, so I think it’s better:

Fudge Truffle Centers (if you can wait that long):

• 4 oz unsweetened chocolate
• 1 can sweetened condensed milk
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 Tbsp vanilla
• 1/8 tsp freshly cracked black pepper (fine)
• 1/8 tsp freshly grated nutmeg
• 1/8 tsp chipotle or cayenne powder
• 1 teensy pinch of ground cloves
• powdered coconut cream
• powdered ginger

Boil chocolate, sweetened condensed milk, sugar, & spices until you feel as if it’s about to burn (about 3 minutes), stirring constantly. Remove from heat, add vanilla & stir until incorporated. Pour immediately into a pan & let cool. Cut into equal portions & roll into balls & then roll in coconut cream / ginger mixture. Let sit at least 12 hours before serving, as the coconut cream will draw moisture & form a shell. The longer you wait to eat them, the better they end up tasting! If you’re going to incorporate them as centers to truffles, you’ll want to dip them first, so that they don’t make your finishing coat all dusty with the coconut cream powder.

This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.